Our heroes are back in the catacombs, but this time with Illmeth and Constable Harby. Thankfully, this time they ran into their old friends who were mysteriously missing last time… Faetra, Cerys, and Kink have reappeared, and are ready to fight and save the world from earthquakes! Also, some new random sorceror has appeared named Pyre… and… he’s also ready to fight and save the world from earthquakes! I think…
Look, I’m not very good at finding a lore-friendly way of explaining we got a new player and the other players who were previously buggering off last game found their way back to the table again. Scheduling and organizing these games is absolute hell. Not to mention the traffic and the parking situation where we play at… and the tight spaces in the game store, and their failing air conditioning… Oh… sorry… back to the story.
Ahem… So, the heroes are in the catacombs, ready to venture forth…
… except for one problem…
See, last time, if you remember, Lucas kinda … lost his pants? And boy oh boy was that funny, right? Well, there was never any explicit mention of Lucas putting his pants back on. It was always just assumed that he did. But without an explicit mention, it would seem there’s a good chance that Lucas has been prancing everywhere like a ninny with twigs and berries dangling about this whole time. Oh joy! Sounds like holiday fun. “It is devoutly wished, that she’d kiss me … under the dingleberries…”
The group decided to debate about this particular topic for a bit, but not before another big gruff brute asshole like the one the group had come into contact with before came bursting into the room with another tree-sized log. Lucas, again, suffered from stick envy…
Faetra, tired of being the small little gnome of squishiness, decided to try a new druid trick: transformation. She became a large bear, and made quick work of the guy. This was about all it took to finally get Harby to come to his senses. Now he seems to realize that some weird shit’s going on, and Illmeth knows all about it. The heroes exited through Illmeth’s shop’s back entrance, only to be greeted by a familiar face. Hey! It’s that pain in the ass kid from the beginning who conned Titus out of a few coins! Well, how have you been doing, ya little shit?!
He coughs up his name as Henry… Watersbutt…ford… Watersbuttford!
Well, that’s not an obnoxious name at all, is it? (Roy Humtickle could not be reached for comment…)
Henry becomes insulting, enough to prompt Harby to bend Henry over his knee to give him a good wallop on his backside with his nightstick.
…
Uh… ok, that’s enough details. Long story short, Henry knows the catacombs and will help the heroes traverse it.
Everyone returned to the jail so Illmeth could be questioned.
Illmeth explained that there is a person who can apparently understand the rocks… the rocks speak, and this one priest can actually understand what the rocks say. This priest goes by the name of Larrach (pronounced la-rock). Great… so in a town full of moron hicks, who know almost nothing, we’re questioning a bad hick, who knows nothing, but does know someone who might know something, but probably knows nothing as well.
You know, I’m starting to think maybe we should just let the earthquakes cleanse the land of morons. Sure, it’ll be a heck of a cleanup job, but think of how peaceful it’ll be without stupid people impeding your every step!?
Right… so they all decide to hop back down into the catacombs, this time with Henry to lead. They make their way to a new area, guarded by a poor fumbling old man by the name of Barragustus.
There’s not much to be said here, so they tie up old Barry, and leave Henry there to watch him. They enter the next room to find lots of floating rocks.
Lucas was overjoyed. Epic air hockey time!!!!!
They see a priest shoot some missiles at ‘em, and take off into a side passage. Pyre takes off after him, down a hallway into a shed overlooking the quarry. In an attempt to kill the priest (and anything that might be waiting in the shed) Pyre sets the shed ablaze, effectively blocking off the exit.
The others find that they’re able to get the rocks to raise up about 6 inches off the ground just by stomping twice. Clap on clap off, rocks push around easily. Boy wouldn’t it be nice if your furniture worked that way. Can you imagine? Stomp 2 times, and now you can vacuum under your couch. Or, stomp 2 times and watch your mother-in-law flip backwards off the recliner onto the floor. Ahhhh, the possibilities are endless.
Now, Lucas got the great idea to stop anyone from ever entering this room again. See, what he’d do is block the entrance with a hovering rock, then everyone would exit, pulling another rock to the door behind them… then you stomp twice, effectively blocking both entryways, ensuring that nobody ever enters nor exits that room again.
It’s a room full of power, after all… See diagram if confused:
Great plan Lucas… except for one problem: those rocks are 6 inches off the ground… not 6 feet! Uh oh… stomp stomp… crunch!
Yeeowwww!!!! Lucas writhes in agony over his now flat foot.
So let’s recap:
- Lucas has a big rock on his foot.
- The exit’s on fire.
- Earthquakes are making big holes.
- Everyone they meet is a useless moron.
- Lucas has no pants on.
This is shaping up to be the best adventure yet!
Faetra felt pity for poor Lucas, so she transformed into a spider, crawled over the rock, stomped twice, and released Lucas from his foot prison, after which Cerys sang the song of healing to put it back to normal. You know in the old Looney Toons cartoons whenever someone would get flattened, they’d blow on their finger and get blown back up like a balloon? That was literally Lucas’s foot. Wile E. Coyote is suing Lucas’s foot as we speak.
So, after that fun little detour, the adventurers put out the exit fire, and head back to town to rest. Larrach is far gone.
The next morning, upon entering the Helm at Highsun restaurant, they noticed a little man, looking rather disgruntled. Titus and Phantar went over to speak with him, learning that he is Stanorr Thistlehair, previous assistant at Waelvur’s wagon shop. Since Illmeth Waelvur is now in jail, the shop’s sorta fallen into … well it’s not a shop at all, so Stan here is kinda without a job.
However, Stan here seems to know a bit about the cult, and to seek Jonathan for more details.
Lucas smelled an opportunity to bust out his disguise kit, so his duke ring, silly moustache, and “can-do!” attitude now donned and ready, he entered the home of Jonathan, accompanied by Pyre.
“Hello, good sir! My name is Baron von Baronson, from the city of Barrington!”
These people are so stupid they actually believed that line of bullshit.
After a wonderful conversation, Jonathan said he’ll send Stanorr to come find him in town later to meet with Larrach….
Stay tuned for next time.