When we last left our heroes, they were chasing after some little prick necromancer who roleplays with dead bodies and keeps sending zombies at everyone to kill them.
As the heroes get closer and closer to the final room, they hear beautiful singing. Phantar was ahead to hear it first, and it gave him a very warm feeling… Kinda like wetting the bed in the morning.
The heroes arrived in the final chamber: a sex lair. This room had a nice bed, a big blue orb for mood lighting, and a singing minstrel tied up in the corner. What the hell else could it be?
The necromancer was too busy staring at the blue orb and jerking off to notice Phantar sneaking up to twack an arrow into his back. The battle was on! You know, for as much fuss as this dirtbag gave the heroes, he was truly a pushover in battle. Barely doing any damage at all, the heroes were able to break his legs.
His name was revealed to be Oier-… Oiereo… Oiereoth? … You know what, his name was Oreo. With his legs broken, our heroes were able to get some answers: he wasn’t the droid they were looking for.
You see, as I said from the last session… A bunch of freakin classists. Oh sure, he might be a bit eccentric, and odd, but that doesn’t mean he makes earthquakes! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
But, needless to say, this necromancer did try to kill them for no reason, so minus their judgmental behavior, revenge was a perfectly good reason to beat him to a pulp. After some arguing with Phantar, “the most important man in the world” (which he continually reminds us of over and over again), the heroes decided they’d be rewarded best if they took him back alive. Lucas decided to take the blue orb, otherwise known as a “Drift Globe“. He named him Maurice. They talk about stuff together. It’s like his own little magic 8-ball.
They also discovered he had a personal journal, which turned out to be an unfinished play, complete with pictures. It appears Oreo here wanted to use the zombies as part of his play that nobody would see. Y’know, even though you had zombies as puppets, which is cool and all, you’re never gonna top the best puppet play of all time: Avenue Q. Nice try.
Now, for the big elephant in the room that we haven’t addressed yet: the singing maiden bound up in the corner. Lucas immediately said “look out! It’s a succubus!”
Boy did he feel sheepish when he found out it was to be another member of the group… another bard no less. Furthermore, she seems to be the sensible one of the group. Well don’t you feel like a loser, eh Lucas?!
Her name was Cerys (pronounced Series… I suppose she’s season 2), and she told the heroes that she had been sent by Kaylessa to retrieve Oreo. It appears she got a hell of a lot more information about this whole thing than the rest of the heroes did. She was even due a reward! What the hell, Kaylessa?! That bitch!
So now the heroes had to somehow bring this guy back alive. They tied his hands together, but that wasn’t enough for Lucas. Through lots of agonizing screams, he jerked Oreo’s shoe off, then yanked off Oreo’s sock, then violently pulled Oreo’s belt off. Did that sound suggestive enough? It’s about to get worse: he put the sock into Oreo’s mouth and tied the belt around his head, effectively creating a sock-ball-gag. Then Titus put him to sleep. Here we are, in the sex lair, and Lucas has gone all dominatrix on this guy. “Thank you sir, may I have another?’
But unfortunately, it stopped being risque right there. Kink tried to lift him up, but his knees gave out, and he fell. Our heroes were pretty tired. They searched around the room a bit to see if anything was worth grabbing. Cerys found a cache of gold, but she kept it to herself. Seriously, why is she the one getting mad paid here? She’s the one getting a reward for coming in here, not to mention a whole cache of like 165 gold. Sneaky, gold-diggin’ (grumble grumble)…
They rested for a while, long enough for more zombies to show up. Once they were dispatched of, Titus put Oreo back to sleep, and Kink was able to successfully lift him onto his back. They made way back to the town.
Once in Red Larch, they tried to talk to the constabulary, Harburk Tuthmarillar (but let’s call him Harby). He was, unfortunately, an old fart with a soft brain that’s mostly cottage cheese by now. He was unable to ascertain what wrong Oreo had committed. Titus and Cerys bumbled about unsuccessfully for a while trying to explain what a necromancer is. In fact, that sort of became the running gag in this town. “What’s a necromancer?!” Well, I suppose that’s better than asking “What’s a Paladin?“… (horrible… horrible game…). In fact, I’ll start a counter.
What’s a necromancer counter: 1
About the only thing they could get out of Harby was that bandits had been seen on the Cairn road. Since the conversation turned awkward, Cerys created an illusion that resulted in a loud distant noise, allowing the players to get away. Oreo started to stir awake, but Titus put him back to sleep again. This is going to be the most well-rested lynch victim ever seen.
Cerys again mentioned that Kaylessa was the one giving the reward, so it would probably be best if they headed to the Swinging Sword. Oh, ok. C’mon Kink, you dragged this dude’s carcass 11 miles, so another 35 feet won’t kill you, right? Kink silently fantasized about decapitating everyone and dancing in the fountains of blood spewing out as a result… but acquiesced to dragging Oreo to the Swinging Sword.
Kaylessa was overjoyed to see the necromancer, and immediately brought the heroes (and Oreo) back to Harby. They all decided that the necromancer was to be given a *”fair”* trial, as soon as they figured out what a necromancer was.
What’s a necromancer counter: 2
He was put on trial, and asked what his crimes were. The first of course being necromancy. The crowd was rather confused. “What’s necromancy?”
What’s a necromancer counter: 3
Lucas explained that he was digging up dead bodies and dancing with them in very uncomfortable ways. Not a good way to remember your aunt Nilly, is it, you backwoods hicks?!
And so, they sentenced Oreo to death by beheading. Lucas was all too happy to participate. After the executioner hacked away at the guy for an hour, Oreo’s head was finally in a bucket, and the sentencing was complete. So… much… blood…
So, after such festivities, Harby let the heroes stay at his house, and feed them some of his meat. I know where your mind is going, and you’re wrong… it was some actual meat from some unspecified animal, cooked to perfection, and it was freakin’ tasty, alright?! … Nope, still sounds dirty, and I’m at a loss for a segue here, so on to the next day.
The heroes all decided to take care of some errands. Phantar went to the smithy to get a new weapon, and Faetra visited Waelvur the wagonmaker. He was a bit shifty, and seemed to know quite a bit about the Cairn road bandits. Titus visited later for a wagon, and was further put off.
Lucas went into the tools shop, and decided to buy a big old bag of knick knacks, all seemingly random. Is it possible that he has a secret ulterior use for these items? Nah, he’s just a crazy kleptomaniac.
Upon everyone’s return to the Swinging Sword, Lucas decided to have some fun with some of the bottles he bought. He put half of ‘em in a burlap sack, and decided to smash ‘em against the table. “WASP! WASP! Don’t worry, I got it!” Sometimes, the sound of breaking glass just sounds good as a victory chant for killing a necromancer.
The heroes decided to finally formally introduce themselves, fully explaining who they were, and what they were doing here.
Begin exposition dump.
Lucas is from a small town where he participated in a youth community theater group. After being kicked out (he says for sleeping with the youth leader’s wife), he met up with a vagabond named Roy Humtickle (Gods bless that name…). But, later they went their separate ways, and now Lucas is along for the entertainment.
And now Faetra, sad story time (this music can help as you read).
Faetra is from the nearby woods. She was part of a tribe of wood gnomes by the name of “The Walking Shrubs” because of their size and their use of magic to disguise themselves as different foliage. They were attacked by bandits, and all had been killed. Faetra would be dead as well had it not been for her mother’s quick thinking.
Next, Phantar, self-identified once again as “the most important man in the world”. He’s from the royal house of Shadowfoot from Glimmerwood, and he’s traveled to Red Larch because it looks like a good place to pull pranks.
Next, once again, break out that sad song again, this time for Cerys.
Cerys is from a small farm town where she helped her family with … well, farming stuff. One day, gnolls attacked, driving them into a nearby decrepit temple. As the gnolls drew closer and closer in the temple, she screamed out to the gods for help, and received a blessed voice with which she can use to heal and bring relief.
Kinkladze was the oldest Dwarf of his family, and entered the monastery of Star Peaks. There, he shot up through the ranks in a short 100 years, and became one of the 12 high monks. He gained the ability to see the future, and was able to avoid being caught in the rubble of his monastery suddenly getting destroyed by earthquakes. He was psychic enough to see that, but not psychic enough to see 2 zombies pushing a bucket of rocks from above a doorway. Whatever, he’s a Dwarf. Now he’s in Red Larch trying to figure out what the hell is causing the earthquakes.
And I saved the best for last: Titus.
Titus is the younger brother of Nicodemus, the current Consul of House Flavian– a noble house of Waterdeep — whose family line runs the blood of the golden dragon Flavelinax. As a younger son, he was somewhat pampered, without the expectations or responsibilities of the eldest, but he did receive an education, and when the family’s heritage of sorcery cropped up in him, he was dispatched to school at the University of Silverymoon, far upriver from Waterdeep. He was a so-so student, as sorcerers often are– their power comes naturally to them, so they rarely feel the need to apply themselves. That said, he learned enough to be an effective mage, and when he graduated, he entered the service of his family as a legate, or agent, protecting its interests abroad. At the moment, he’s in the region of Red Larch because his family’s interests in shipping have been disrupted by the unrest in the region.
… Did you get all that? Titus is a C-student who’s been given the employment equivalent of “outfield” in baseball for all the ADHD kids. Stay in school kids, or you too will be bagging groceries.
In short:
Lucas is a homeless drifter, Faetra is bloodthirsty for revenge, Phantar is the most important man in the world here to film the next Jackass movie, Cerys is attempting to be a shining beacon of hope for everyone, Kink is… a dwarf, and Titus is on a recon mission for his royal super-important-magical-hokus-pokus-ness.
So, all straight now? Good, on with the story.
End Exposition Dump
Lucas noticed a few people staring at the group, so walked over to make ‘em feel as awkward as possible. That’s how you teach people not to stare… it might just result in the problem walking right up to you. Keep your damn eyes to yourself! This person didn’t seem to know anything about the heroes, so Lucas had to regale them about the necromancer trial. “What’s a necromancer?”
What’s a necromancer count: 4
Lucas was sure to get the guy’s name, Peter, as a nice gesture to all npc’s he meets. After all, named npc’s tend not to die as easily.
After that, the group got together and decided to do something about Cairn road’s bandits. That Waelvur seemed to know a lot about it. But unfortunately, before they can put another thought to it, some drunk assholes next door in The Helm at Highsun decided to start a bar fight. The heroes rushed over to see a full-on brawl. To calm it down, Cerys and Lucas performed an ultimate song of friendship. It calmed the fight down, enough to win the favor of the owner, Garlen, and his cellarer, Justran.
They were so happy that they gave the adventurers a free round on the house. Titus used this time to bring out his familiar, a celestial hawk by the name of Aquila. The heroes enjoyed some more respite, but not before an earthquake shuddered violently outside. The heroes quickly rushed out to find 3 kids had fallen in. Cerys and Titus jumped in to save the children, and between all of them, they were able to get the children out of the hole. Much to the chagrin of the nearby farmer, Jonathan, who for whatever reason wanted the children to die. Ok, maybe not death, but he didn’t want the heroes saving them. Lucas tried to finesse the guy into giving up more information, but had the grace of a drunk eating his own puke, and failed miserably. Hell he was able to get a name out of the guy, making him all “important” and shit… great job you bumbling buffoon.
They discovered at the bottom there were some catacombs, apparently missed by all the townsfolk (or was it?! dun dun dun….). The remaining heroes hopped in and proceeded into the depths of these catacombs. What will the heroes find down here? Will they ever get to the bottom of the earthquakes?
Find out next time on, the Princes of the Apocalypse.