Hello and welcome back to another critical look at a song. This is actually my all-time favorite Korn song. It’s funny to me, because I tend to like the songs that have more harsh vocals in them. But, something about this song really resonated with me. Maybe it was just the melodic harmony of the vocals… But there seemed to be something more.
Video and Lyrics
I’ll die smiling
Something perverse
Someone says to me will
Make me laugh
And I’ll lay back and fade away
Let me go, I’ll be fine
Frozen here in time
Sick of being alive
Eaten up inside
Let me die, go away
I never got what I wanted
I never got what I needed
What’s on my mind
Who can say
It’s my infection I’m feeding
I cannot stop all this bleeding
I’ll be ready
Give me the morphine
And I’ll go to sleep
As I dream
Maybe I will just slide away
Let me go, I’ll be fine
Frozen here in time
Sick of being alive
Eaten up inside
Let me die, go away
I never got what I wanted
I never got what I needed
What’s on my mind
Who can say
It’s my infection I’m feeding
I cannot stop all this bleeding
Eaten up inside
Let me die, go away
I never got what I wanted
I never got what I needed
What’s on my mind
Who can say
It’s my infection I’m feeding
I cannot stop all this bleeding
Eaten up inside
Inside
Inside
Eaten up inside
Note: It can be difficult to tell what he’s saying in this song, but I’ve heard the a capella version of this song and can most definitely confirm these lyrics are correct. Google “Korn Eaten up inside a capella” and you’ll hear it too.
Song Meaning
The obvious parallel this song is going for is suicide, but I feel the “death” explanation to be more metaphoric. To me, this song is about giving up, or waiting for the end.
But yeah, let’s go over the death scenario. “I’ll die smiling” and “I’ll be ready.” It’s as though he’s already decided how he’ll go. He wants to die happy. Perhaps laughing, and fading out while laughing, his last memory a happy one. The line later about the morphine… “Give me the morphine and I’ll go asleep.” Give me drugs to numb and blind me to my sadness, and hopefully I won’t wake up to see more.
Anyone who knows Jonathan knows he struggles with depression. This is a song clearly evocative of it. But, in the true vein of depression, it’s not like he really wants to die necessarily… he just wants the bad stuff to end. This is further evidenced by the line “sick of being alive.” He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn’t like what being alive has brought him.
Like I said before, I think this “death” here is metaphoric. It’s not his own death he wants… rather he wants the death of the pain. Depression feels like a big lead blanket on you, sucking the joy out of everything.
“It’s my infection I’m feeding, I cannot stop all this bleeding.” This infection to me is depression, and the dark thoughts formed. He’s feeding this infection himself, and it won’t stop – he’s continuing to metaphorically bleed out. Eventually, it’s going to bleed out completely.
Vocal Choice
I think the choice of vocals used in this song perfectly explain depression. There’s no harshness to the vocals. There’s no anger or energy. It’s all this sort of sad song, and you’re barely able to sing it. This is also one of the few Korn songs that features Jon going really high in vocal pitch.
The harmonics used for the vocals were really good, and really added to the overall atmosphere. It’s almost choir-like. It sort of feels like the end to a very long adventure. I’m not sure what it is about these vocals, but they’re really pleasing, and really powerful when overlayed with the harsh guitar sounds.
I think the harmonic parts… “I never got what I wanted, I never got what I needed” “It’s my infection I’m feeding, I cannot stop all this bleeding.” I feel this sort of hesitant acceptance. It feels like an excuse that simultaneously he feels is acceptable, yet still feels the need to argue it.
What Does This Have To Do With Me?
Many, many times I’ve felt like giving up. I’ve never wanted to die, but man sometimes I sure as hell wanted to give up trying to live. I think the feeling of release is the strongest emotion one can express. After a long and arduous journey, and suffering many wounds… constantly feeling scared and being on your guard for so long… It’s nice to finally feel release from all of that. Think of the end of the Lord of the Rings, when after all that Frodo had been through, he was in a nice clean warm bed, surrounded by his friends, grinning warmly at him. The quest is over. The journey is over. You don’t have to fight anymore. You don’t have to be scared anymore. You can relax… rest.
This song to me expresses that feeling, but from a darker angle. It’s a song about needing that release. A song about a war-ridden person who just can’t fight anymore. Would you see this person still screaming and attacking? They’ve got nothing left… Just let it all end. I’m tired.
I’ve played this song many times throughout my bouts of depression, mostly to help it bleed outwards from me until I was numb to it. If anyone else is suffering from depression, perhaps this song will give you release as well. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about death critically, in how the idea of it means you’ll be rid of the problem. Really what you want to be rid of is the problem… not your life.
I loved the line “It’s my infection I’m feeding.” Many times when I’ve felt upset, I multiply the situation in my mind, until it increases exponentially. It’s as though I feel I have to think it. This feeds the sadness in me… It’s as though I’m feeding this horrible thing, and I can’t stop, no matter how much I want it to.