Honesty is the best policy. Heheh – honestly! Unfortunately, in social situations, it can be the bane of your existence. I mean how many people would talk to you if you gave your real, honest, truthful opinion about everything?
You’d probably come across as an asshole.
And yet, on the other hand, you can’t lie to people. At some point it breaks down. Let me give you a scenario.
Suppose you’re at a bar, talking to the owner. He mentions that he loves country music, and asks you if you share that same sentiment.
You absolutely hate country music.
At this point, you have 2 choices…
A. Lie, and say country’s pretty good.
B. Tell the truth, and say country’s really not your cup of tea.
If you chose the latter choice, it leads to one of 2 consequences:
A. He tells you he hates anyone who doesn’t like country music, and you’re a horrible person. In this case, the guy’s a wacko, and you’re better off not talking to him. An honest conclusion, and discomfort avoided.
B. He shrugs it off, and you talk about something else. Again, discomfort avoided. The worst-case scenario is that you two don’t wind up becoming as close as you could have… if only you’d lied to him… right?
However, many people would choose option A. Why? Because that’s what he wants to hear. He’ll like you more.
The problem is this approach eventually breaks down…
He then asks you what country artists you listen to. You can’t answer honestly, because that means admitting you were lying, so instead you decide to just list off the country artists you know off the top of your head.
Garth Brooks, Charlie Daniels, Travis Tritt, Shania Twain, Elvis and Johnny Cash. The problem with this answer is that Johnny Cash and Elvis aren’t always necessarily referred to as country music. You wind up showing that you really don’t know what you’re talking about, which might make him question you further, until finally discovering you were lying.
But let’s say you left those last 2 artists off the list. You were being smart, because you knew only to list the artists that you knew 100% were country artists.
He then puts a country song on. Inside, you’re thinking “ok, I’ll placate the guy and pretend this is good… even though I think this is absolute bollocks.”
Then he puts on another song… and another… then a whole greatest hits of country. He asks you if you’ve heard of this artist or that artist. “How’ve you never heard of this guy? He’s one of the biggest country stars of the decade!”
Then you give the guy a partial truth. “Well, I think country’s alright, and I listen to it if it’s on. I don’t really know that many artists.”
Still ok. You’ve gotten away with your lie by saying another one, and this one can go based off of the approach that you never really did clarify anything with your first statement.
So you go back to the bar a couple times, and there he is playing more country music. You could vomit. After a while, you just stop coming.
He sees you on the street one day, and asks why you haven’t been by. You lie again, saying shortage of money or whatever.
Then he tells you he was talking to a friend of yours that you vent to, and learned the whole story. You hate country music, and don’t show up anymore because you don’t want to hear it anymore.
This situation now ends in one of 2 ways:
A. “I hate people who don’t like country. Not only do you hate it, but you lied to me making me think you did. You’re a horrible person!” Sure, the guy’s a wacko, but now you’re a liar who craves attention. That’s worse than a wacko in my book.
B. “I wish you’d have just told me. If you didn’t like country, why would you act like you did? Did you really think I’d horribly judge you simply for not liking a musical genre? How long have you been lying to me, and what else have you been lying to me about?” Discomfort, discomfort, discomfort. In fact, your life has been completely uncomfortable all because you weren’t up front and honest.
There were so many places in that scenario that you dodged the bullet. So many places where it broke down. But you can’t run forever… it eventually catches up with you.
This is why I hate phony people. They shut me out because I don’t play the act with ‘em. And from where I’m standing, I’m happy to be rid of ‘em. If not having to lie and suffer a knot in my stomach the whole time means being part of a small crowd of people, then I consider it a bargain.
My uncle (the same one from this story) tried to explain “commonality” to me. He was talking football with someone at a restaurant, and exclaimed to me “See? I’m able to talk to them because I have commonality with them. Football is a popular thing, and many people like it. If I’m able to talk about it, I can talk to almost everyone.”
I think that the more commonality you have, the less individuality you have. The less special you become. The less interesting you become. You’re defined by your interests and quirks. If all your interests are shared with everyone just for the sake of being able to talk with people, you really don’t have anything interesting about you, do you? You don’t stand out in any way. You’ll be ignored, and forgotten.
I personally hate football, so why would I walk into a conversation about it? I hate it, and don’t know very much about it. Not only am I pretending to like something that I don’t, but I’m pretending to have knowledge about something that I have no knowledge of. At some point, this lie breaks down.
Don’t be afraid to be who you are. You don’t have to answer for any of your interests nor quirks. Embrace what’s different about you. Because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck lying to a very banal crowd of people for the rest of your life.
I mentioned in that earlier post that at the end of the day, you have your own conscience to answer to. Not the bartender. Not the football fan. Not your imposing uncle… Just you. Are you proud of what you did? Are you feeling secure in your actions?
That makes all the difference in how well you sleep that night… I question whether it’s simply coincidence that my uncle is an insomniac.