Inner peace. I want the operative word there to be “inner”, because to me that’s the only peace that’s worthwhile. I especially want to focus on “inner” because I tried to focus on manipulating peace around me, and found myself lost.
I have an uncle that I don’t talk to very much anymore. For whatever reason, he believes that I’m a younger version of himself, and became very imposing on discussing how I lived my life. He set a precedent… a model for me to meet. This model was, of course, based off of himself and who he was rather than who I was. He wanted to live vicariously through me (his younger self) so he could enjoy adventures and sex-capades from a second-hand nature.
I am a lonely person… cast out of everything I ever tried to be part of, and picked on constantly growing up. Naturally, I blamed myself, and would listen to anything. His model that he set for me showed me happiness at the end, so I tried to be what he set for me.
He wanted me to be a whore. Living in an apartment downtown, spending every night at bars, clubs, and parties… He wanted me to blow all my money on drinking and drugs, and sleeping with a new woman every night. In his words, I should be “swimming in pussy.”
For some guys, that sounds like the perfect life. For me, it isn’t. If that life’s a cowboy hat, then I’m the guy who prefers to wear the beanie cap.
I tried really hard to fit that model. I tried to go out every friday to a club with dancing, girls, drinking… I tried to go on vacations and visit places… I tried to be more involved. All the while I was lying to myself: none of this was me. I was never satisfied with any of it. And I began hating myself. I would tell myself “I should be liking this! This is what people do to have fun, so there’s something wrong with me because I’m not!”
I went through multiple bouts of depression because of this, but I kept trying.
I remember one month, every weekend, I did something different. I went to a Cambodian wedding for a friend of mine, then went to a football game (I hate football), then went to a renaissance faire (I don’t have enough money to really enjoy it), then went to a filipino festival (it wasn’t that great). I decided to top it all off with a real adventure: going to Las Vegas for the Minecraft Convention (Minecon). I remember my uncle telling me: “go to one of the butt hutts, and give her a pearl necklace!” For those who don’t know what a “pearl necklace” is, basically my uncle was telling me to fuck a prostitute and ejaculate around her neck. Because that’s totally me, right?
While in Vegas, I had been drinking a little, and my friend talked me into going to a strip club. I actually don’t like strip clubs, but “this is what Vegas is all about! Prostitutes and strippers! You can’t go to Vegas and not do these things!”
So we went. We took a ride, and got there. Immediately the 2 most beautiful women I’d ever seen sat on our laps, and talked us into going into the back. Just to look. This is what you’re supposed to do in Vegas, right?
Look, I’m not an idiot… but I let things play out, holding out hope that my uncle and my guy friends were right. This is what it was all about. This is how I’d find happiness.
Long story short, I walked out of that strip club with absolutely no money. I felt like the world’s biggest fool. What really got me upset with myself is that all the while I knew better. This didn’t blindside me… I knew full well that all of this was wrong, and that this wasn’t me. Why did I listen to these people?
There’s a joke story that I’ve heard about a guy who’s drowning after a flood. Someone comes by with a raft and says “do you need help?” He says “no, God will save me.” Then a ship comes by, and tries to get him into the ship. He says “No! I’ll stay here! I’ll stay because God will save me!” The man eventually runs out of strength and drowns. When he goes up to heaven, he asks God why He didn’t save him. God says “I sent you 2 boats, you dummy!”
The blind faith I had, despite all rational logic around me that claimed otherwise, lead me to drowning. I had no money. I had no women. I had nothing. At first, I felt despair. I couldn’t even afford a taxi back to the hotel, so we walked there… All what felt like 12 miles.
On the way back, a new resolve came over me. Suddenly, a feeling I’d never felt before came to light.
Only I know what makes me happy. I don’t have to live my life in any way but the way I wanted to. I wasn’t put on this planet to please everyone. In fact, I wasn’t put on this planet even to please one person. Who am I to make sure I’m living up to a precedent set for me? I set my own damn precedents!
I remember a calm coming over me as suddenly I began taking control of my life. When I did things, I did them because I liked doing them. When I refused to do things, it’s because they made me uncomfortable. Never again would I do something out of obligation to please everyone. It was my life, and my choices. If I’m happy, then everyone else can deal with it. If I’m happy, and you’re miserable because I’m not doing what you want me to do, then that’s your problem, now isn’t it? Good luck coming to terms with that.
I was no longer a slave to social acceptance. I felt reborn. If I felt like sleeping in on my days off of work, then eating ice cream, then playing a video game before going back to sleep, that was my choice. I worked 40+ hours that week, and busted my ass for everything I have. If I want to use my free time to do nothing, sleep, and eat junk food, I’ve earned that right.
I felt the happiest I’d ever been in my life. All my depression went away, and suddenly life got brighter.
My uncle, on the other hand, did not agree. He didn’t get to live vicariously through his younger self, and saw his younger self making decisions with his life that he was “too cool” to make. It was an insult to him, and his image, to see me enjoying what I enjoyed, and not following the path that he had set for me.
It eventually came to a head, and we stopped talking.
Apparently, he couldn’t deal with it.
I tell you this story to illustrate some lessons… to recap:
- Only you know what makes you happy
- Social acceptance is slavery
- You weren’t put on this planet to please everyone
And here’s an additional lesson: You’re not your mother. You’re not your father. You’re not your uncle/sister/3rd cousin removed… You’re you. Don’t let anyone blanket you into a bucket that you don’t fit in, because everyone actually has their own individual bucket.
It’s all an inner peace, because at the end of the day, you have to ask your own conscience if you’re happy with yourself. If your conscience says yes, you sleep like a baby with nothing left to stress you out. Nobody else’s opinion of you matters… Only yours.